falling in love part 2
10.30.08 (4:03 pm) [edit]we are not getting married tomarrow. i got to get to know every one once i get to idaoh. he has got my name in hart tattoo. i dont know what id do with out him. i know that we have not meet in person but he is alot better then the other guys i have dated. the only pfobldm is that he dont have a phone but im over that. i know that we are young but i dont really care.
fallen in love
10.29.08 (12:31 pm) [edit]i have meet a wonderfull guy online. his name is josh. we got alot in commen and i love him to death. i am affraid to tell him that i was allmost raped....i dont know what his reaction will be. im affrade that he is going to say that its all my fault like my parents did. i know he wont say that but thats just a fear. we talked about getting married.....i am going to see if i can get the money together so i can go see him or he can come see me. he lives in texsas and and im moving to idaho. he is my everything and i cant picture my life with out him. he is 18 and i am 19..
what the fuck
10.25.08 (10:18 am) [edit]okay i had to have a breathing treatment yesterday cuz i could not breath. i could but it was hard for me to. Rose is a nasty fuck who needs to die and she should not have her kids. no one fucking likes here....she dont take showers or brushes her teeth. she spends money on random people that she meets on line. yesterday she gave some random person $20 to clean the kitchen just because she is to lazy to do it her self. she never tells her kids that she loves them...my mom tells them that she loves them. Its just fucked up and i cant wait untill iget the fuck out of this house. i cant stand to be near that bitch because all i want to do is kill her. i am moving to idaho so i guess things will be better out there.
what the fuck
10.25.08 (9:37 am) [edit]okay i had to have a breathing treatment yesterday cuz i could not breath. i could but it was hard for me to. Rose is a nasty fuck who needs to die and she should not have her kids. no one fucking likes here....she dont take showers or brushes her teeth. she spends money on random people that she meets on line. yesterday she gave some random person $20 to clean the kitchen just because she is to lazy to do it her self. she never tells her kids that she loves them...my mom tells them that she loves them. Its just fucked up and i cant wait untill iget the fuck out of this house. i cant stand to be near that bitch because all i want to do is kill her. i am moving to idaho so i guess things will be better out there.
when will people understand
10.20.08 (9:23 am) [edit]i dont know why i am so sad but my mom told me its because i have been treated like shit for to long. she says that i dentifi myself with juggalos more then anything else. but i dont know i am happy and sad. im home sick but i am not going to make that same mistake twice.
cutting and some of my history
10.08.08 (12:46 pm) [edit]MY enitre life I have been made fun of. people say to ignore the people who make fun of you witch i did. but, that dont get rid of the mential and physical pain. In elmentary school I didnt have any friends. I used to play and eat by myself. middle school was hell. 6th grade I had an entire school hate me. I made a bomb threat because i couldt handel it anymore. I was luckey enugh not to get into touble. I just switched schools. so i spent the rest of 6th grade and 7th grade at tappin. things got better sorta. I then moved to tipton I spent the rest of the time i was in school in CPS. I had met my bestfriend ashley in 8th grade and she is still my friend to this day.high school was allright I still got made fun of but it was not as bad as when i was younger. I rember that i got made fun of by a guy who used to have a lisp. when i found that out i found it funny. anyway in 10th grade my dad became abuseive. for about a year i watched him beat my mom and he also beat me. my sister had stayed with friends so she didnt get hit. thats about the same time as I started to cut. I also eat to numb the pain that i am in. me, my mom and sister went to viset my grandma in florida. I stayed there for about 6 mounths. i went home for xmass. The verbal abuse that I have gotten from my parents its just unbearable. my dad dont even call me by my name. he calles me bitch my mom just dontl like me. they care hell of alot more about my sister. she is the perfect one im just a pice of shit. The only way that i think that I would stop cutting is if I get a boyfrend. it sucks being learing disabled and having ADHD. Its so hard for me to do anything with out help. my family makes fun of me because of that also. Half the time I want to commit suicicide. then maby my family will be happy. My dad aslo dont like the fact that i dont belive in god. God has never been apart of my life and never will. he also hates the fact that im down with the clown. For some reason i am a hell of alot happer when I dont live at home. when I move in with nicole I dont think that i am ever going to talk to my family again. I feel like an ugly peice of shit that no one is going to love. people have told me tht there is some one out there for every one. I dont think that there is some one for me. my first relationshit ended in a sorta bad way. I broke up with him on my birthday cuz he called me a pussy cuz i wont stand up to my dad. He didnt care that i was upset. come to find out that he had lied alot durning our relationship. my second boyfrend could not deal with me cutting come to find out that he was cheating on me. plus he had told me to go eat shit and die cuz im emo. we are friends now so i guess that is a good thing. I have 3 guys that are in love me......dont know why they love me or what they see in me. I often wish that some one would kill me to put me out of my misery. the thing that hurt me the most is when my dad told me that he would not care if i killed myself. he said that he was sorry but that dont mean shit. My dad made it feel like it was payback for something that i said a long ass time ago. no one will miss me when im dead and gone. i feel like they would be happy.