cutting and some of my history

cutting and some of my history

10.08.08 (12:46 pm)   [edit]
MY enitre life I have been made fun of. people say to ignore the people who make fun of you witch i did. but, that dont get rid of the mential and physical pain. In elmentary school I didnt have any friends. I used to play and eat by myself. middle school was hell. 6th grade I had an entire school hate me. I made a bomb threat because i couldt handel it anymore. I was luckey enugh not to get into touble. I just switched schools. so i spent the rest of 6th grade and 7th grade at tappin. things got better sorta. I then moved to tipton I spent the rest of the time i was in school in CPS. I had met my bestfriend ashley in 8th grade and she is still my friend to this day.high school was allright I still got made fun of but it was not as bad as when i was younger. I rember that i got made fun of by a guy who used to have a lisp. when i found that out i found it funny. anyway in 10th grade my dad became abuseive. for about a year i watched him beat my mom and he also beat me. my sister had stayed with friends so she didnt get hit. thats about the same time as I started to cut. I also eat to numb the pain that i am in. me, my mom and sister went to viset my grandma in florida. I stayed there for about 6 mounths. i went home for xmass. The verbal abuse that I have gotten from my parents its just unbearable. my dad dont even call me by my name. he calles me bitch my mom just dontl like me. they care hell of alot more about my sister. she is the perfect one im just a pice of shit. The only way that i think that I would stop cutting is if I get a boyfrend. it sucks being learing disabled and having ADHD. Its so hard for me to do anything with out help. my family makes fun of me because of that also. Half the time I want to commit suicicide. then maby my family will be happy. My dad aslo dont like the fact that i dont belive in god. God has never been apart of my life and never will. he also hates the fact that im down with the clown. For some reason i am a hell of alot happer when I dont live at home. when I move in with nicole I dont think that i am ever going to talk to my family again. I feel like an ugly peice of shit that no one is going to love. people have told me tht there is some one out there for every one. I dont think that there is some one for me. my first relationshit ended in a sorta bad way. I broke up with him on my birthday cuz he called me a pussy cuz i wont stand up to my dad. He didnt care that i was upset. come to find out that he had lied alot durning our relationship. my second boyfrend could not deal with me cutting come to find out that he was cheating on me. plus he had told me to go eat shit and die cuz im emo. we are friends now so i guess that is a good thing. I have 3 guys that are in love me......dont know why they love me or what they see in me. I often wish that some one would kill me to put me out of my misery. the thing that hurt me the most is when my dad told me that he would not care if i killed myself. he said that he was sorry but that dont mean shit. My dad made it feel like it was payback for something that i said a long ass time ago. no one will miss me when im dead and gone. i feel like they would be happy.