rawr
04.22.09 (2:45 pm) [edit]things have been a rolercoster ride with all the ups and downs. even tho i tried to kill myself i am still here. i also got saved one day after my sister did. yea my life is better but its not where i want it to be. we are staying at a friends house because we got homeless. i just dont know what to do with myself. i wish that i was skinner priter smarter..then what i am now. i know that i am insacure but i dont know what to do about it. as of late i have bee listing to twiztid...wicked. it helps me get though the tough days. dont ask me why the cd helps but it does.
falling in love again
01.13.09 (7:18 pm) [edit]i met this guy on juggalove. he is sweet and i realy do like him. i just dont know what he says is true. because i have been lied to so many times is hard for me to trust some one. im not sure that i am ready to fall in love so soon after a break up. but yea he is sweet we lke alot of the same things. he is a juugalo and im a juggalette. i showed him a picture of this mega cunt. most people thinks is discusting but he thought tat it was awsome. and the killer carebears. i love thoes i want them. i am not to sure how to put pictures up here or id show yall.
ROSE
11.09.08 (4:49 pm) [edit]I fucking hate this bitch. she started to yell at me because i made her kid take my moms false teeth upstares. I mean he dont fucking listen as it it and just because he didnt bring them down stares. rose was like that is how i he was raseed. i was rased in a compleatly diffrent way. if i didnt do as i was told when i was told to do it more often then not i was i was hit. im like what the fuck ever. both of her fucking kids like to play the other adults. im like what the fuck ever...sometimes i wish i never fucking moved. it was alot easer at my houe even tho me and my parents faught all the tme. im so done with her i cant wait untill i move the fuck out. when i tryed to talk to her she compleatly shut me out. yea this bitch is alot older then me and i dont get where she has any right to tell me what to do. yea its her kids but they dont fucking listen to her. i mean im like what the fuck and i hope that this cunt die. i have never hated some one this much in my etire life. she dont say that she loves her kids or that type of shit. im sick not like i have a cold or anything but im sick. cuz im a cutter and the only way that i know how to deal with stress is to cut. im allaready feeling like i dont want to live im tired of being in pain. if my fucking roomie thinks that i am going to have surgery while i live here then she is fucking crazy. I dont like to go out in public for long period of time. if i do i start to freak out and shit.....i feel like no one love or cares about me but at the same time i know people do. alot of my fights get physical....if my sis was not hear today then i would have blown up at here. she was like dont tell me how to parent. i would not have to tell her how to parent if she acted like one. no i dont have any kids but i would not treat them like she does to her own. i got a short feuse and it sucks. i dont have the pations to put up with her kids. I am a cutter and i will allways be a cutter even tho i dont cut anymore. i just dont know what to do with my life. i am affrade that i am going to push away my boyfriend. then i dont know what i would do with out him. i love him to death. i know that we have not been going out for vary log. he is from mississippi and i am from michigan. he told me that he loves everything about me and we barly know eachother. he is also 25 and i am 19. i think age is nothing but a number and that my mom says that i should not go out with some one older then me.He dont want me to cut so i have not told him that i cut again. he told me that he would leave me if i contnued to do so. I fucking hate josh for lieing to me. he is still in love with me and im not in love with him. that is how fast i can fall in and out of love with some one. he had told my mom once he figured out that he cares about me it was to late. i am an honest person and I cant stand being lied to. I hope that my current boyfiend is the same way. its funny that the same night i broke up with josh i started to go wout with tommy. I dont give a fuck what my mom says. i hate how she says that its stupid that i go out with some one just because he is older then me. fuck my mother and father. i mean i love them and all but they have put me though hell. rose can go fuck her self. wait that she might like it so never mind ++++++++++ THE I love list tommy mama david christina kyle M kaila kyle P yavonne (sp) travis M shiri channon +++++++++
i hate how he lied to me.
11.05.08 (11:22 am) [edit]Josh hurt me so bad... he had lied to me he knows how much i hate being lied to and he did it anyway. i am giving him a one more chance. He knowns that he fucked up. I love him so much and i am determined to make this work. now that i went back out with josh drew dont want to talk to me anymore. he thinks just because he lied it makes me a lier. but i dont care i love josh so much that i am willing to try and trust him again. he knows that he fucked up and its just that i dont know.
Rose
11.02.08 (3:44 pm) [edit]I have never ever hated someone as much as i hate her. I dont like to be around her nasty ass.....I move out of my parents house into this shit hole i didnt know what i was getting myself into. but i am moving again so i dont have long to wait. i cant wait untill i get out of this fucking house. I mean i realy dont want to move to idaoh but i dont want to stay in michigan eather. i jus want to ge as far away from my so called family ass possible. my adopted mom is getting married. I hope that my mom and mark will adopt me. i know my parents are not going to be happy about it but i dont give a fuck what my real fam has to say.
Rose
11.02.08 (3:40 pm) [edit]I have never ever hated someone as much as i hate her. I dont like to be around her nasty ass.....I move out of my parents house into this shit hole i didnt know what i was getting myself into. but i am moving again so i dont have long to wait. i cant wait untill i get out of this fucking house. I mean i realy dont want to move to idaoh but i dont want to stay in michigan eather. i jus want to ge as far away from my so called family ass possible. my adopted mom is getting married. I hope that my mom and mark will adopt me. i know my parents are not going to be happy about it but i dont give a fuck what my real fam has to say.
why wait
11.01.08 (11:24 am) [edit]i am wondering why wait to get married. i have found the perfect person who i want to spend the rest of my life with. i dont care that we are only 19 years old. i dont know if this would be a mistake but im tired of waiting for love when i think i find it. i love moi bf to death and i also love his lil bro and sis as if they where my own. i know that i am takin a risk meeting someone one off the net but i just dont know. i am tired of alltis doubt beng put in my head. so i hope everything works out between us.
falling in love part 2
10.30.08 (4:03 pm) [edit]we are not getting married tomarrow. i got to get to know every one once i get to idaoh. he has got my name in hart tattoo. i dont know what id do with out him. i know that we have not meet in person but he is alot better then the other guys i have dated. the only pfobldm is that he dont have a phone but im over that. i know that we are young but i dont really care.
fallen in love
10.29.08 (12:31 pm) [edit]i have meet a wonderfull guy online. his name is josh. we got alot in commen and i love him to death. i am affraid to tell him that i was allmost raped....i dont know what his reaction will be. im affrade that he is going to say that its all my fault like my parents did. i know he wont say that but thats just a fear. we talked about getting married.....i am going to see if i can get the money together so i can go see him or he can come see me. he lives in texsas and and im moving to idaho. he is my everything and i cant picture my life with out him. he is 18 and i am 19..
what the fuck
10.25.08 (10:18 am) [edit]okay i had to have a breathing treatment yesterday cuz i could not breath. i could but it was hard for me to. Rose is a nasty fuck who needs to die and she should not have her kids. no one fucking likes here....she dont take showers or brushes her teeth. she spends money on random people that she meets on line. yesterday she gave some random person $20 to clean the kitchen just because she is to lazy to do it her self. she never tells her kids that she loves them...my mom tells them that she loves them. Its just fucked up and i cant wait untill iget the fuck out of this house. i cant stand to be near that bitch because all i want to do is kill her. i am moving to idaho so i guess things will be better out there.
what the fuck
10.25.08 (9:37 am) [edit]okay i had to have a breathing treatment yesterday cuz i could not breath. i could but it was hard for me to. Rose is a nasty fuck who needs to die and she should not have her kids. no one fucking likes here....she dont take showers or brushes her teeth. she spends money on random people that she meets on line. yesterday she gave some random person $20 to clean the kitchen just because she is to lazy to do it her self. she never tells her kids that she loves them...my mom tells them that she loves them. Its just fucked up and i cant wait untill iget the fuck out of this house. i cant stand to be near that bitch because all i want to do is kill her. i am moving to idaho so i guess things will be better out there.
when will people understand
10.20.08 (9:23 am) [edit]i dont know why i am so sad but my mom told me its because i have been treated like shit for to long. she says that i dentifi myself with juggalos more then anything else. but i dont know i am happy and sad. im home sick but i am not going to make that same mistake twice.
cutting and some of my history
10.08.08 (12:46 pm) [edit]MY enitre life I have been made fun of. people say to ignore the people who make fun of you witch i did. but, that dont get rid of the mential and physical pain. In elmentary school I didnt have any friends. I used to play and eat by myself. middle school was hell. 6th grade I had an entire school hate me. I made a bomb threat because i couldt handel it anymore. I was luckey enugh not to get into touble. I just switched schools. so i spent the rest of 6th grade and 7th grade at tappin. things got better sorta. I then moved to tipton I spent the rest of the time i was in school in CPS. I had met my bestfriend ashley in 8th grade and she is still my friend to this day.high school was allright I still got made fun of but it was not as bad as when i was younger. I rember that i got made fun of by a guy who used to have a lisp. when i found that out i found it funny. anyway in 10th grade my dad became abuseive. for about a year i watched him beat my mom and he also beat me. my sister had stayed with friends so she didnt get hit. thats about the same time as I started to cut. I also eat to numb the pain that i am in. me, my mom and sister went to viset my grandma in florida. I stayed there for about 6 mounths. i went home for xmass. The verbal abuse that I have gotten from my parents its just unbearable. my dad dont even call me by my name. he calles me bitch my mom just dontl like me. they care hell of alot more about my sister. she is the perfect one im just a pice of shit. The only way that i think that I would stop cutting is if I get a boyfrend. it sucks being learing disabled and having ADHD. Its so hard for me to do anything with out help. my family makes fun of me because of that also. Half the time I want to commit suicicide. then maby my family will be happy. My dad aslo dont like the fact that i dont belive in god. God has never been apart of my life and never will. he also hates the fact that im down with the clown. For some reason i am a hell of alot happer when I dont live at home. when I move in with nicole I dont think that i am ever going to talk to my family again. I feel like an ugly peice of shit that no one is going to love. people have told me tht there is some one out there for every one. I dont think that there is some one for me. my first relationshit ended in a sorta bad way. I broke up with him on my birthday cuz he called me a pussy cuz i wont stand up to my dad. He didnt care that i was upset. come to find out that he had lied alot durning our relationship. my second boyfrend could not deal with me cutting come to find out that he was cheating on me. plus he had told me to go eat shit and die cuz im emo. we are friends now so i guess that is a good thing. I have 3 guys that are in love me......dont know why they love me or what they see in me. I often wish that some one would kill me to put me out of my misery. the thing that hurt me the most is when my dad told me that he would not care if i killed myself. he said that he was sorry but that dont mean shit. My dad made it feel like it was payback for something that i said a long ass time ago. no one will miss me when im dead and gone. i feel like they would be happy.
fuck my father
09.27.08 (2:25 pm) [edit]i cant stand my dad for the life of me. he is the reason i cut. my mom ant much better. both of them can rot in hell cuz they dont care about me. im tired of feeling like a pice of shit. people can fuck off and fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ......there.
new meds
09.03.08 (1:27 pm) [edit]im on new meds for my adhd and im hopeing that the meds will work. um i just started today. i also found out my good friend is pregnate she is about 19 years old. her x thomas wants to be the father and she dont think that is a good idea. just a lil update for yall.
okay
08.14.08 (11:55 am) [edit]i was leaving out some details about why my dad beat me. me and my mom was aguing...thats why he beat me. when me and my mom fight its rarly phisical. so i guess that my dad has fucking lost it or he had enugh...i dont get along with my mom and my sister is off doing her own thing. i dont like my dad or mom at all and i know i should not say this but i wont care if they die. i am fucking mentaly handicaped and they would rather see me homless or dead so i dont give a fuck. as soon as i get my own place they are dead to me.
my dads latest beating
08.11.08 (11:52 am) [edit]well my dad said that he would never hit me. guss what he did and he fucked up my back good. im just sick of the way that i get treated by them. they wonder why i act the way i do. its all bullshit in my eyes stupid fucking drunk. i realy dont care about my so called familla at all. as far as im concerned that they can all rot in hell.
stuff on my mind
07.07.08 (12:29 am) [edit]well i dont got alot on my mind well maby i do i dont know yet. I str8t up hate censorship. i cant stand having to bite my lip every time i want to say something just because it might offend some one. i just dont care any more im going to say what i want when i want. I dont care who i offend now. i got that freedom and im going to use it. right now im listing to music to try and calm my nervs but i cant quit thinkng about how my x bf hurt me again. i thunk that we could be frinds but we cant and i know now that its never going to happen. i think that he is hurt because all i wanted to do is kill my self when we were together. i just dont get how some one can be so mean. he says that he hates me but i do think that there are some feelings there. He knows that im still in love with him and it sucks. So the next day i sent him a message on myspace if what he said is how he realy feels about me. but im doing good. im with a wonderfull guy...hopefully. I love him to death and i know and hope that he wont hurt me. i realy want to go to the gathering this year. but i cant cuz i cant fucking drive. witch sucks cuz i realy want to meet more of my juggalo family. people think that i have changed alot sense i went to colledge. I dont think i have changed but every round me does. but what ever i realy dont care and i guess that i dont know. i mean i love my juggalo family and i love all my friends and family.
i wish things where better
07.05.08 (4:51 pm) [edit]i thunk me and my x could be friends. i guess not cuz he said some realy nasty shit to me. im still in love with him and i will allways will be in love with him. I just dont get how one minut we could be friends and the next he hates me. He thinks that i am going to cut again im a hell of a stornger person. when i was with him all i wanted to do is cut. I dont think ill ever get over him and it sucks. I am trying to get over but its hard. the guy im with now is not much better for me becuase he is not talking to me and it sucks. but ill play this one out cuz i realy like him. "I Miss You" D.H.T Oh baby I know that I did you wrong But I got lost along the way And I never thought you'd walk away But you did and I can't cope with it [Chorus 2x] I'm alone and I don't know what to do With my feelings cause I'm still not over you And I'm crying from the day you walked away And I miss you I miss you (I miss you) I tell my friends that I got over you That I took your pictures of the wall But I know there is another truth That I miss you That I need you [Chorus 2x} my dad said if somethinghappend to my family that he would chock me and then though me in the pond. that shit pisses me off he just threated to kill me again. im just bla again and that song is so true about me and greenz. I never knew love could bring so much pain.
@_@
06.29.08 (5:52 pm) [edit]well this morning i was on stickam..i went into one of my firends lives and he made me realy happy. im not going to go into details cuz i dont think every one wants to know. yea i woke up around 6pm and my mom has been getting on my ass and yelling at me and shit. it pissed the fuck out of me cuz i didnt realy do anything. im so annoyed....all i want to say that me and my x are no longer talking. he hates me and i hate him. ash is a fucking liar and i dont put up i with liars. once you loose my trust is realy hard to get it back. its realy all stickydrama its redickulus....ive been tempted to start cutting again. i keep being pushed and pushed and im about ready to kill myself. i was told that i need to come out to my parents and im not ready to. im BI and i so dont think tat my fam need to know that.